The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.
Job 1:21
Losing a loved one hurts. The pain cannot be described through mere words, sighs, or tears. It is a profound and constant shadow that follows us to the day we, too, fall into our final sleep. Memories bring both joy and sorrow. What was left unsaid or incomplete must remain that way, until Christ returns to make all things new.
I was reading some of the notes Devin and I wrote in our secret notebook 21 years ago. A few days before his accident, he wrote about feeling weird, unable to explain what exactly was troubling him. The last words he wrote to me were ones that confirmed and reaffirmed his love for me. I read those often and can still feel them renew a confidence in me as it did the first time I read them, exactly 21 years to this day. God made sure that notebook came home with me the evening of his accident. He knew the great comfort it would bring me, even all these years later.
Being 21 years older than your first love is weird. I often feel frozen in time and see a complete stranger when I view my reflection. I fret wondering if Devin would even recognize me if he were to see me today. I know we will remember each other in Heaven, though, and try to take hold of that when my self-loathing takes control.
I do recognize the blessings that God has given me, not to replace Devin, because no one can do that; but to let me know that He is still good and loving, and didn’t take Devin away to punish me. I have a husband who loves me unconditionally, who knows what this day means to me and doesn’t try to make me feel guilty when the heartache starts creeping back. A man who I can count on and who strives to do everything in His strength and with God’s help to be the best husband to me. I have three beautiful children, who are thriving and bring me such tremendous joy. The love that God has surrounded me with keeps the hurt from sinking in and taking over. I can feel His love every day when each of them hugs or kisses me. I will never be able to understand the great depth of God’s love, but I am able to recognize when I’m surrounded by it!
God is so good. Heaven is near. One day all pain, and grief, and hurt will be replaced by His love, light, and glorious face-to-face unending presence!
Today is hard. The rain makes it worse, but just as God can take away, He never leaves us empty handed. He always gives back to us more than we ever deserve. Lord, give Devin a hug in heaven for me today and let him know how loved and missed he is.
